Clueless
07/08/2005
There is a guy from my small group study who has recently been elected into a leadership position at my church who scares me. He scares me not because he is evil or any of the other things that usually makes one scared. He scares me because he has mentioned on a few occasions that he has always gotten whatever he wants. He scares me because he doesn’t get it when others are struggling for the basic things of life or working hard to secure their dreams. He scares me because he seems so clueless.
It’s so foreign to me that a person can go through life without ever having to struggle through it – where everything is smooth pavement. This concept is so far away from my life experience in which every breath seems so hard. Sometimes I cry because of it, sometimes I try to ignore it; sometimes I try to deny that the pain is there. There are times I wonder if I need to visit someone to break a curse.
Growing up my mother used to tell me that I would fail at everything I put my hands to – so far she seems to be right. The good thing is that I have stopped communication with her but her curse seems to linger.
I recognize her words as evil, which also brings up another struggle for me. Where is God?
Where is God when He states that He is bigger and stronger than the evil around us?
Sometimes I struggle with my God. I struggle to get it – as clueless as the guy in my small group. I struggle to understand why some people seem to get help at every turn or get whatever they desire while others are left in tears exhausted from all the trying.
I struggle with friends who have family to turn to for help when they struggle…I’m as clueless to this as the guy in my small group who has everything.
I struggle with the relationship one of my favorite friends has with her family. They are so close, cherish the times they can spend together. They love full of love, argue full of love, and relate to others full of love. It’s a good movie to see but so often I am clueless.
I’m clueless as to where to turn as every street I’ve walked seems like a dead end. Even not understanding where God is most of the time, I have no other place to go – for He is my only family. So I remain clueless in this life scared that, unlike the guy in my small group, I will soon lose everything I’ve worked so hard for. It’s times like this that I just want to throw my hands up and stop trying since it never seems to get me anywhere.
Maybe I should start packing my stuff up so I can distribute it when I am homeless.
Yep, another blue day. Another clueless blue day.
zss
© 2005 Wrosesongs
All Rights Reserved
There is a guy from my small group study who has recently been elected into a leadership position at my church who scares me. He scares me not because he is evil or any of the other things that usually makes one scared. He scares me because he has mentioned on a few occasions that he has always gotten whatever he wants. He scares me because he doesn’t get it when others are struggling for the basic things of life or working hard to secure their dreams. He scares me because he seems so clueless.
It’s so foreign to me that a person can go through life without ever having to struggle through it – where everything is smooth pavement. This concept is so far away from my life experience in which every breath seems so hard. Sometimes I cry because of it, sometimes I try to ignore it; sometimes I try to deny that the pain is there. There are times I wonder if I need to visit someone to break a curse.
Growing up my mother used to tell me that I would fail at everything I put my hands to – so far she seems to be right. The good thing is that I have stopped communication with her but her curse seems to linger.
I recognize her words as evil, which also brings up another struggle for me. Where is God?
Where is God when He states that He is bigger and stronger than the evil around us?
Sometimes I struggle with my God. I struggle to get it – as clueless as the guy in my small group. I struggle to understand why some people seem to get help at every turn or get whatever they desire while others are left in tears exhausted from all the trying.
I struggle with friends who have family to turn to for help when they struggle…I’m as clueless to this as the guy in my small group who has everything.
I struggle with the relationship one of my favorite friends has with her family. They are so close, cherish the times they can spend together. They love full of love, argue full of love, and relate to others full of love. It’s a good movie to see but so often I am clueless.
I’m clueless as to where to turn as every street I’ve walked seems like a dead end. Even not understanding where God is most of the time, I have no other place to go – for He is my only family. So I remain clueless in this life scared that, unlike the guy in my small group, I will soon lose everything I’ve worked so hard for. It’s times like this that I just want to throw my hands up and stop trying since it never seems to get me anywhere.
Maybe I should start packing my stuff up so I can distribute it when I am homeless.
Yep, another blue day. Another clueless blue day.
zss
© 2005 Wrosesongs
All Rights Reserved
posted by I am Z @ 3:10 PM
2 Comments:
At 2:46 AM,
Natalie Devoe said…
I really enjoy your writing.
Sincerely, Lindsay Jo 6.0
At 3:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
What your mother use to tell you (in the comment above) sounds very close to what my grandmother would tell me (she is the one who raised me) as I was growing up. "You'll never be able to go to college. You'll never amount to much. You're stupid, Danyealle. You look stupid. etc."
Granted, I did get more from her than constant insults and verbal abuse. Ocassionally she'd put in a compliment, but only when I was doing things "her way" (doing erronds for her, wearing the clothes she picked out, cleaning up for her, etc.). When she would get upset with me, she'd threaten to send me off to live with my mother (who was with boyfriend #3, 4 or 5 at the time), which when I think back, sometimes I wonder if I should have taken her up on that offer... at least my mother was (and still is) kind. But when you're 16 and you have friends who you'd die for (and probably a boyfriend or two), the threat of relocation is as bad as death! Now I'm 26, married to a wonderful man, with 2 beautiful girls, working on my associates degree in Mass Communications, while holding a steady full time job (for 5 years currently). And you better believe that my girls never hear one utterance of negativity from me. And if there are times that I catch myself slipping up, you should hear the spew of apologies that leave my mouth. Her words don't haunt me, they don't plague me, and never once do I wonder "Maybe what she said was true." They stay around in my memory as a reminder that "There are always many views in life and I am TRULY glad (and fortunate) that mine is so bright. And nothing will ever, EVER change that.
With time, I learned not to hate her or resent her. I only feel sorry for her. Now that she's 83 I know nothing will ever change her bitterness. I only wish that someone could have shown her what love really was, instead of the impression that she got.
Much love to you Zayne.
"and you're a starlight that shines, for a moment in time...."
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