As Heard In A Song
10/27/2005
“I’m not letting go of God, I’m just losing my grip…” Over the Rhine
A little over a week ago, an elder from the church I attend told me point blank that my volunteer work at one of the local shelters for hurricane evacuees is useless because it is not monetarily fruitful. He further explained that since I was not being paid for my work with those in need, it really held no benefit. Umm, I guess he needs to have a little heart-to-heart talk with all of the overseas missionaries he and the church has supported over the years! Sad to think that the only missions work he may believe worthwhile is that which is done in a foreign land.
The deeper I get involved in organized religion, the more despondent I’ve become. It’s not God I am loosing a grip on – or His grip on me. Rather, It seems as if something in me does not line up with the current state of the Ecumenical church. I feel like an unwanted, disrespected, lost child.
Currently I sense a strong connection to St. John who was exiled on the island of Patmos. I feel as if I have been left alone on some shaky island to figure out something currently unknown. Maybe my exile is meant to draw me closer to the One whom has saved me. Maybe it is a vacation island in disguise structured to get me away from all the bullshit I have heard masked as truth. Or maybe it is even here to whisk me away from all the mute robes and talking heads that only spout age old cliches, American proverbs, and other mindless crap.
If I do make a break from the “Church” as it is commonly seen, I do know I will deeply miss participating in the weekly celebration of the Eucharist. Receiving the elements is such a powerful moment and the true volition of our gatherings.
As I write this, I’m clearly remembering last week’s encounter. I’m wondering how a person can come to the conclusion that offering time, compassion, companionship, bread, direction, and laughter to those in need can be deemed as a futile exercise – as a waste of time and energy.
Honesty, I am in a time of personal need. I figuratively wanted to cut off my ears when I heard another person from the church I attend (ed?) say, “you have given so much to those you help, how about going to them and ask for financial payback”.
I’m so stuck on WTF that I can hardly see straight!
Needless to say, it has been a weird time in life. I’m trying very hard to find things to laugh about. I am striving to remember the joy I have in giving and loving. I am held by the affection of friends that I have been fortunate to meet alone this path. Friends like Sarah whom I dearly love and who loves me more than she probably should. Margarita who seems to instinctively know when I need to hear her laugh on the phone or on my answering machine. Karen, who is learning under fire how to shut up, be still, and just watch the moon and stars. Roger who allows me to be honest about my struggles and encourages me more than he probably realizes. Finally, Danny Ray who’s reassurance seem to always come when I need to know that I am really alive.
Maybe these people are my church. Maybe this is the church of Zayne since they minister to me in ways beyond human expression.
I can add to the list of those who have been positively helping this wandering soul, the music of Radiohead, Over the Rhine, Cowboy Junkies, Miles Davis, and Shivaree.
And the most prolific of help has been through those whom I have touched and been touched by through the volunteer assistance I have been allowed to provide. I believe this work is the thing that keeps me off of the bridge, train tracks, and medicine aisles of the local drug stores. The people I have met are more precious than green, gold, silver, or diamonds. Contrary to the selfish thoughts of some, that is fruitful. That is worth it all.
Peace,
zss
© 2005 Wrosesongs
All Rights Reserved
“I’m not letting go of God, I’m just losing my grip…” Over the Rhine
A little over a week ago, an elder from the church I attend told me point blank that my volunteer work at one of the local shelters for hurricane evacuees is useless because it is not monetarily fruitful. He further explained that since I was not being paid for my work with those in need, it really held no benefit. Umm, I guess he needs to have a little heart-to-heart talk with all of the overseas missionaries he and the church has supported over the years! Sad to think that the only missions work he may believe worthwhile is that which is done in a foreign land.
The deeper I get involved in organized religion, the more despondent I’ve become. It’s not God I am loosing a grip on – or His grip on me. Rather, It seems as if something in me does not line up with the current state of the Ecumenical church. I feel like an unwanted, disrespected, lost child.
Currently I sense a strong connection to St. John who was exiled on the island of Patmos. I feel as if I have been left alone on some shaky island to figure out something currently unknown. Maybe my exile is meant to draw me closer to the One whom has saved me. Maybe it is a vacation island in disguise structured to get me away from all the bullshit I have heard masked as truth. Or maybe it is even here to whisk me away from all the mute robes and talking heads that only spout age old cliches, American proverbs, and other mindless crap.
If I do make a break from the “Church” as it is commonly seen, I do know I will deeply miss participating in the weekly celebration of the Eucharist. Receiving the elements is such a powerful moment and the true volition of our gatherings.
As I write this, I’m clearly remembering last week’s encounter. I’m wondering how a person can come to the conclusion that offering time, compassion, companionship, bread, direction, and laughter to those in need can be deemed as a futile exercise – as a waste of time and energy.
Honesty, I am in a time of personal need. I figuratively wanted to cut off my ears when I heard another person from the church I attend (ed?) say, “you have given so much to those you help, how about going to them and ask for financial payback”.
I’m so stuck on WTF that I can hardly see straight!
Needless to say, it has been a weird time in life. I’m trying very hard to find things to laugh about. I am striving to remember the joy I have in giving and loving. I am held by the affection of friends that I have been fortunate to meet alone this path. Friends like Sarah whom I dearly love and who loves me more than she probably should. Margarita who seems to instinctively know when I need to hear her laugh on the phone or on my answering machine. Karen, who is learning under fire how to shut up, be still, and just watch the moon and stars. Roger who allows me to be honest about my struggles and encourages me more than he probably realizes. Finally, Danny Ray who’s reassurance seem to always come when I need to know that I am really alive.
Maybe these people are my church. Maybe this is the church of Zayne since they minister to me in ways beyond human expression.
I can add to the list of those who have been positively helping this wandering soul, the music of Radiohead, Over the Rhine, Cowboy Junkies, Miles Davis, and Shivaree.
And the most prolific of help has been through those whom I have touched and been touched by through the volunteer assistance I have been allowed to provide. I believe this work is the thing that keeps me off of the bridge, train tracks, and medicine aisles of the local drug stores. The people I have met are more precious than green, gold, silver, or diamonds. Contrary to the selfish thoughts of some, that is fruitful. That is worth it all.
Peace,
zss
© 2005 Wrosesongs
All Rights Reserved
posted by I am Z @ 10:27 PM
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