Alphabet Words

10/13/2007



My emotions are not pretty – they do not tie up into nice little bows. They use words that encompass the entire alphabet. They express the life I have lived and the things I have seen.

I tried for many years to censor my experiences in order to make them more palatable for others. Now, it just seems like so much wasted energy. I can no longer afford to misuse energy in order to save others – even myself from unbeautiful truths.

Nakedness is where I am right now. Sometimes it is attractive – but often it is messy and hairy and sad. Sometime it even surprises me. But I cannot censor.

I am, at this late stage in life, finding how to express myself. I am learning that it’s ok to have opinions that may cause conflict. But conflict or not they are mine and it’s ok.

I’m learning that life IS full of the alphabet and changing damn to dingleberry, fuck to fork, or shit to sugar is still the same thing so either stay quiet or use the unbasteridized expression. Altering the terms in order to make others or even oneself feel safe and pure does neither because we all know the words so we feel in the blanks.

Life is full of the alphabet. People are full of the alphabet. Soon enough, make-up melts away from the covered blemishes. And god help fast if one is left mute when descriptive words are needed most.

I once heard a pastor say “Strong emotions call for strong words.” It was one of the best things I had ever been told because sometimes we go through strong seasons. Sometimes our reeds crack and YES, even break. Sometimes, the reeds are cut and stripped and aching for something more than sweet words and popular phrases. Sometimes the strong meeting strong is the only rope that keeps a drowning man above water. And sometimes other people’s rules about the alphabet do nothing more than to add one more control to a life that is learning slowly how to become untied.

So I use the alphabet – the entire alphabet --, which I realize does not make me safe. I feel my emotions, which are not always jovial or widely appealing. But I’m learning to breath like a baby learns to walk – gradual, stumbling, and more often than not, lacking grace.

zss