Still thinking of Good-byes

Still thinking of Good-byes
12/20/2004


Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about death. I’ve tried calling it different things…tried to get mad at it for unnamed reasons but all my raging ultimately comes back to specific death – Merle’s death.

Merle was diagnosed with cancer the summer before my senior year of high school and died not long after graduation. I still remember getting the call…I still remember going to the Catholic church in the neighborhood hoping to find peace – or just a real escape – but the doors were locked, I felt so shut out – so stuck alone in my pain.

I smile to myself when I think of the stupid high school thoughts I had at the time. Knowing Merle was a virgin, I seriously hoped he would get laid before his death so he wouldn’t die in that "state".

As a Christian, he worked on a banner to go across his casket…red, if I remember correctly, with the verse "death cannot kill what never dies" in gold glitter. How brave I thought he was to be able to look death in the face and say in retrospect. ‘you only think you got me’.

All these years later, I still miss him. We were in plays together, talked about people together, laughed…

Sometimes I wonder if beyond the beyond he had something to do with me coming back to the Lord. If he went before the Father upon arrival to his new home and said, ‘God, what about my stupid friend, Zayne, what about Buddy, Sissy, Melinda, Tony, Mike, and Darlene…?’

Do I in some sense owe this life to Merle? Does he in some way know what I’m up to now…is he allowed to see – or is he even interested in my walk and struggles.

I have wondered on occasion, if the dead are responsible to pray for those they left behind. If they are giving the task of looking out for us.

Maybe Merle is so much on my mind because there has been so much death these past years, personally, and corporately.

The year 2002 began with the death of my friend Abby – killed instantly in a car wreck. It’s still hard to believe she’s gone…she had such a hard life and then died painfully.

When Abby died, I was so mad at her for dying – for being in the path of that speeding SUV. HOW could she just leave her teenage daughter,…and us.? The selfish bitch!!!!!!

Also in 2002 we buried the husband of a dear lady from church. George had been struggling with heart problems for a while, in his youth he was an athlete, he had retired from the military, and was close to 90 years old…but he died. He left his wife, son, grandchildren, and pain – and died.

2003 began with a car wreck that killed one of my favorite friend’s 9 year old niece. Whenever I see PURPLE, I can’t help but think of Emily.

The nation continues to commemorated the 911 terrorist attack. America suffered the worse terrorist attack in its history. Thousands of sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, husbands and wives were killed…some never to be recovered…some died instantly, others suffered excruciating pain until they were finally given relief through death.

The end of 2004 marks my friend Suzy’s mother death.

Lost friends like John, Alan, Eddie, and Nancy will forever be with me until the end of my days.

And no matter what, I still think of Merle.

I wonder if I think of him so often because I did not mourn losing him properly…how do you mourn at barely 18? There is a shock there even though you talked with friends over bad food at McDonald’s. People your age aren’t supposed to die – especially, not slowly, not knowingly, not painfully…

And I wonder if I ever said goodbye properly to Merle. I wonder if he has some way of remembering me. I wonder if he recognizes that I was so immature in my emotions, I don’t know if I ever said goodbye. I wonder if…

And I still see his face, his brown hair…and I whisper to my heart, good bye, you who has no more pain are truly the lucky one.

zss
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