Breathe
BREATHE
06/05/2005
Do I know how to breathe in this scary world I live in?
Sometimes the air feels so thick and unforgiving as if all of its filth and ugliness will stick to my lungs with each tentative breath.
There are days I feel a mask is needed in order to keep the impurities out – to filter my breathing – just so I can concentrate on breathing. It is at these times that the inner psycho who lives to taunt me whispers in acid tones, "you will smother – you WILL forget how to breath…" and I, as unwell as I am, believes those words for a moment, for way too damned long.
I’m reminded of the early days of wearing my dental night guard. The apparatus freaked me out at first. It felt bigger than it actually is. It cut off my breathing. I forgot everything I had learned over my lifetime like exhaling through my nose – like not panicking – like counting. Oh, it seems just so easy and silly now, as I am days and years away from the beginning experience.
It’s in the moments of panic that I imagine God throwing His hands into the air smacking His forehead on the way yelling out. "Hey kid, BREATH"!!!!
I wonder why He bothers – why He bothers to resuscitate me over and over again.
Maybe this is part of the cross I am called to carry. I carry the remembrance that unlike my flesh parents; He will not send me off to school without lunch money.
Ahh yes! The recognition of one of my issues. Deep in my core, I feel like an agnostic when it comes to believing that God will (is) taking care of me. The whole idea of parental care is so foreign. As much as I want to believe that He truly will take care of me, I so much don’t believe at the same time. My inner cynic rises up remembering and reminding me of my past as I am kept locked in these chains.
What do kids like me do? How do we believe in a world that continually takes our breath away? How do we learn how to breathe?
Peace,
zss
© 2005 Wrosesongs
All Rights Reserved
06/05/2005
Do I know how to breathe in this scary world I live in?
Sometimes the air feels so thick and unforgiving as if all of its filth and ugliness will stick to my lungs with each tentative breath.
There are days I feel a mask is needed in order to keep the impurities out – to filter my breathing – just so I can concentrate on breathing. It is at these times that the inner psycho who lives to taunt me whispers in acid tones, "you will smother – you WILL forget how to breath…" and I, as unwell as I am, believes those words for a moment, for way too damned long.
I’m reminded of the early days of wearing my dental night guard. The apparatus freaked me out at first. It felt bigger than it actually is. It cut off my breathing. I forgot everything I had learned over my lifetime like exhaling through my nose – like not panicking – like counting. Oh, it seems just so easy and silly now, as I am days and years away from the beginning experience.
It’s in the moments of panic that I imagine God throwing His hands into the air smacking His forehead on the way yelling out. "Hey kid, BREATH"!!!!
I wonder why He bothers – why He bothers to resuscitate me over and over again.
Maybe this is part of the cross I am called to carry. I carry the remembrance that unlike my flesh parents; He will not send me off to school without lunch money.
Ahh yes! The recognition of one of my issues. Deep in my core, I feel like an agnostic when it comes to believing that God will (is) taking care of me. The whole idea of parental care is so foreign. As much as I want to believe that He truly will take care of me, I so much don’t believe at the same time. My inner cynic rises up remembering and reminding me of my past as I am kept locked in these chains.
What do kids like me do? How do we believe in a world that continually takes our breath away? How do we learn how to breathe?
Peace,
zss
© 2005 Wrosesongs
All Rights Reserved
posted by I am Z @ 10:56 PM
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