i am zayne

lover of: music and words,thunderstorms and full moons,mountains and sweet breezes,poetry and prose,nursery rhymes and firelights.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

The Imaginary Apple Orchard

1/04/2005


I play in an Imaginary Apple Orchard.

:)



In my playground is a bench just for me. All others know it’s mine and do not sit there uninvited – but no one is ever uninvited.

I am able to be myself. I am allowed to say the things I really want to say. I am allowed to play games and decorate. Yes, my bench in the Imaginary Apple Orchard is decorated.

The bench on which I sit is sweet cherry with cut outs on the arms just the right size to hold a cup of coffee. It also has a switch that allows the bench to become stationary, a swing, or even a glider rocker.

Around the bench on which I sit are purple flowers, red & pink roses, and yellow carnations.

A pillow rests on the left side of my Imaginary Bench ready to catch my head whenever I desire a nap. A purple blanket is always at the ready to keep drafts at bay.

Underneath the bench rest a 1000 count CD changer filled with my favorite selections. It also has a category for artist and songs other Bench Dwellers believe I need to experience.

Included in the CD Changer are Over the Rhine, Tori Amos, Sarah MacLachlan, The Choir, Sam Cooke, Porcupine Tree, The 77’s, Mahalia Jackson, Tool, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Bela Fleck and the Flecktones, Robert Randolph and the Family Band, Sonia Dada, Marvin Gaye, and Rackmaninov.

Sweet Fairies come by regularly to refill my coffee cup, offer book selections and messages from other Apples in the Imaginary Orchard.

Often, I spread my skirt out like a blanket under one of the big oaks shading my favorite Bench in the Imaginary Apple Orchard and read, listen to the silence, or visit with others in the Imaginary Apple Orchard. This is one of my favorite things to do. I love to hear what’s happening in the lives of other Apples whether it’s about the loving sun or an early frost.

During full moons, fellow Apples join together to watch the rising over the clear lake that extends out in the middle of the Imaginary Apple Orchard. Someone, I can’t remember whom, named it Lake Deitweiler. Someone else named one of my trees Duran, the other Fat Bastard. It’s ok; I want Apples to feel free when they come to visit my bench in the Imaginary Apple Orchard.

And the gatherings! The gatherings of Apples in the Imaginary Apple Orchard are beyond compare. The roar of voices, the clanging of utensils upon our finely crafted plates, the splashes of Red filling and refilling our glasses, the stories, the laughter, the Apples – Apples of Yellow, Red, and Green keep me coming back to the Imaginary Apple Orchard.

zss

© 2005 wrosesongs
All Rights Reserved

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The Power of Blue

01/04/2005



Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Thursday, Friday, Saturday…

All here.

This is how I begin my week. Making sure all the pretty pills have found their rightful homes.

Make sure there are 2 oval blues, one round blue, one long brown, and one multi-colored capsule.

This is the beginning of my day. This is the Power Breakfast that allows me to enter the world.

Daily inventories to make sure I have enough Power to get me through to the next doctor’s appointment. Weekly cash inventories to make sure I can indeed HAVE another doctor’s appointment. Attitude adjustments, pissy moments, and other encumbrances that mark the world of the sick.

People are funny when you’re sick. Everyone wants to know your diagnosis. Everyone looks disappointed when the secret is withheld. I live days through the ‘guessers’ – those who throw out something hoping to get a response or a tick of recognition. But I’ve become too good at the game. Still annoyed that the game is played but I’m good.

I know how to keep my mouth shut. I know how to keep what’s only mine to tell. It’s between God, my doctors and me and we ain’t talking.

What makes being sick more sickening is the drama…other people’s drama. The stories, the condemnation, the miracle cures heard on late night tv, and again the guesses like my life is really a game.

I’ve made up other words to say, "I’m sick". I hate myself when I am forced to pick up the phone to my employer to say; "I won’t be in today." I despise the insurance companies that deny me coverage because "sick" is stamped across my medical file. And, I hate the pills – those tiny pills that help me make it through the day.

I wish I could smile the gremlins away. I beg to say the right prayer that will banish the bastards from my life. Maybe I need to light the correct scented candle or dance another type of dance under the full moon…

No matter what I’ve tried the dreaded word still haunts me – still smothers me.

One pill to make you larger, one pill to make you small…

So, another week I count: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. This is the mantra in the world of the sick.

zss

© 2005 wrosesongs
All Rights Reserved