What Can I Say

I found out that my birth father died last weekend. Hearing this news has taken me in a lot of strange memories and 'stuff'...The hardest has not been about this passing since he has in a sense been dead my entire life... the hardest part has been people's expectations of my reaction even those who know the intimate details of life with this man.

Following is a portion of an email I sent to a friend yesterday...

So far, I have figured that there is no real way to mourn a man who was so indifferent to his life and the lives of those around him. So, maybe soon I can stop feeling guilty for not feeling what society tells me that I should…

... to remain human, I can mourn what never was, the childhood lost, and the relationship that never was, learn to vanquish the rising “sick” memories that notice of his death have conjured up, and free myself from what I think I should do and feel.

I do hope that he found peace somehow in his final hours.

Peace,

z