Sick of the sick

04/18/2005

One of my worst fears has been proven. I am indeed sick.

Since the weekend I have participated in a little experiment (don’t tell my doctors). I stopped taking my meds just to see – I don’t know what really – some hope that my body would work properly sans outside stimulation but it f’ing failed me.

I’ve known for over a decade that I live in a fucked up temple but I really want it to not be true. I don’t want to HAVE to remember to swallow a load of blues and yellows, and beiges each day. I don’t want to have to worry if my body is going to take the time to recognize the foods I ingest.

I’m so tired of worrying all the time.

I’m tired of seeing doctors and padding their wallets while mine grows steadily thinner. I’m tired of being with friends over dinner and having to stop in the midst of a great tasting meal because my body is in control and decides to go on strike.

I’m tired of turning down engagements because I’m not smart enough to know if the crap I’m feeling during transition times is just my body’s reminder that it’s in power or if the little nudges are something to truly be worried about.

I’m tired of my life being ruled by a weak constitution.

And I’m tired of bitching about it. But sometimes bitching about it is therapy.

Peace,
zss

© 2005 Wrosesongs
All Rights Reserved